It is very strange for us to think only one month has past since the MRI experience…it just seems like such along time ago, and yet so much has happened to us during this short time frame.
I remember my MRI experience left me tired and feeling strangely vulnerable. I spent the remainder of that day stridently reaching for normality, while quietly worrying about our future. I still did not know what was wrong with me even though I hoped I was merely suffering from a virus. But this hope too, gave way to my growing insecurities and I began to contemplate how we would earn enough money to survive if I physically couldn’t continue with our business. Would Silvia have enough strength to take care of me if I couldn’t manage on my own? I was sliding deeper into despair and concentrating more on what I was going through. The day crawled toward night.
When the night finally arrived, it was filled with anxiety. I was restless. I did not have any painful spasms that night, but the vertigo sensation was stronger…leaving me with the sensation of sleeping on a rocking boat. It was a long sleepless night.
I ended the wait for a new day when the first hint of light began to fill our room. It was early and I had a strong headache. I felt a great fog inside my head and realized I was experiencing a xanax hangover. My arms and legs felt ok…but, increasingly weak. I felt a tightening around my lower back which slowly and persistently pressed the air out of my lungs. It was an uncomfortable start of this new day I had impatiently wished for during the fright of the previous night.
I spent the morning at the computer, trying hard to remain calm and looking for any distraction that would hijack my thoughts and feelings. I was in a state of limbo…just waiting to find out what was wrong with me…
When the phone rang, I knew right away it was my neurologist calling. I felt my nerves tingle with anticipation as I picked up the handset. I remember hearing her voice…professional, but with a hint of alarm. She asked me if it would be possible to meet with her as soon as practical, and this I knew, could only mean bad news. I asked her in a surprisingly calm voice if the news she had for me was bad…and then, her reply came and she told me the results of my MRI were nearly conclusive…and I had multiple sclerosis.
I felt oddly relieved after receiving the news. I didn’t need to play a guessing game any longer and I felt strangely calm. I made an appointment for the next day so that Silvia could accompany me to her office…I didn’t want to get the explanation alone!
Silvia was also not surprised by the diagnosis, but nonetheless, it was a difficult time for both of us. The reality of being diagnosed with a disease which would accompany us for the remainder of our lives caused our emotions to erupt from our worn out state.
I wasn’t sure how to spend the remainder of the day. I actually felt pretty good physically, but emotionally I was drained and confused. How could our life change so quickly? What should we do next? I didn’t even know much about ms, and my only thoughts were filled with wheelchairs and nurses taking care of all of my basic (and private) needs. These frightening visions relentlessly appeared until I decided to confront this diagnosis head on. And so together we moved forward. Silvia and I spent the remainder of the morning and most of the afternoon researching ms and trying to compile as many questions as possible for my neurologist. We felt relieved to discover how many people have managed to successfully live a relatively normal life with ms. It was hope and we felt better – we were ready to begin conquering this mountain!
The night, however, was horrible. I experienced several harsh spasms to my right leg, which were quickly followed by the terrible shooting pain racing through the nerve in my left leg. I was frightened and couldn’t sleep, as I felt Silvia next to me knowing her thoughts were also filled with unpleasant images. It was another long night…
Our meeting with the neurologist the next day brought us more clarity, relief and much-needed hope. We had compiled a large list of questions to ask my doctor during the meeting – we were ready and almost aggressive as we entered the office. The doctor spoke with a calm and professional voice, which we relished at that point. I think she sensed our fear and anxiety, and deliberately set out to create a serene environment in which we could calmly discuss my diagnosis. We talked about my symptoms, my lack of sleep and my fears. I felt tranquil and secure in knowing I was in capable hands – and most importantly, I felt my doctor truly cared about our situation and wanted to help us.
We examined the MRI images together in her office, which I found strange and uncomfortable – there’s just something odd and bit too personal when looking at a vision of my brain. The doctor carefully pointed out roughly 8-12 bright lesions in my brain and several other darker lesions. She explained how the bright ones represented new occurrences and the darker spots were old lesions, meaning I actually had ms for some time without knowing about it. Strange…but, not at all uncommon. The doctor continued…showing no particular concern about the lesions because, they were all relatively small. Next up were my neck images, which showed a single lesion present between my second and third vertebrae – a tricky location because of the convergence of many nerves in that area. This lesion was new and medium-sized and definitely the cause of difficulties I was experiencing with my right leg and right arm. Finally, the images of my spinal chord showed no further activity. We breathed a heavy sigh of relief.
So that was it…we saw for ourselves I had multiple lesions which appeared active and certainly the cause of the symptoms I was experiencing. But, the MRI is only 85-90% conclusive. In order to rule out other potential causes for the multiple lesions I would need to schedule a blood test, have my optic and sensory nerves tested and undergo a lumbar puncture.
Walking out of the office that day was a relief. Even though there was a 90% chance I did have ms, we knew it was caught relatively early and in a stage that was treatable and manageable.
We seemed ready to begin our new life with ms…
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